When Adults Stop Controlling Kids and Start Connecting: Julie Hall on Bridging the Generational Gap

Episode 3 of The Power of Family Podcast featuring family therapist Julie Hall

What happens when adults stop trying to control kids and start truly connecting with them?

That’s the heartbeat of Episode 3 of The Power of Family Podcast, where hosts Terry Willis and Dr. Sonia Toledo sit down with family therapist Julie Hall for a conversation that gets beneath behavior and into what families are actually struggling with: defensiveness, emotional invalidation, disconnection, and the missed opportunities for repair.

This episode is packed with practical tools, powerful reframes, and a reminder that healing doesn’t start with kids changing, it starts with adults showing up differently.

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Meet Julie Hall: A Therapist Who Started in Tech and Pivoted Toward Healing

Julie Hall is a therapist with 15 years of experience, specializing in systems work (relationships, families, parent-child dynamics) and trauma-focused therapy. Before becoming a therapist, she worked across the tech sector nonprofit, startups, corporate, and government.

Her career shift began with a life-changing experience as a therapy client.

She describes it as finally being able to feel what it means to be heard, understood, and seen and realizing how transformative that experience can be.

Now, she brings that same foundation into her work with families: helping people move from “reacting” to “relating.”

Why Generational Gaps Feel More Intense Today

Julie explains that generational gaps aren’t new—but they feel sharper today for several reasons:

1) Kids are more emotionally aware

There’s far more public conversation about mental health and emotional well-being than past generations experienced. Today’s kids are paying attention to their “internal temperature” mood, stress, anxiety, identity, and how they feel in the world.

That’s not weakness. It’s awareness.

2) Social media and technology widen the generational gap

Young people are processing life in a fast-moving online world that adults didn’t grow up in. This creates different norms, different language, and different expectations around communication.

3) Polarization makes connection harder

Julie points to the “this is right / this is wrong” climate that can show up in families too. When caregivers approach kids from certainty instead of curiosity, the gap grows.

4) Kids are carrying heavy burdens

From systemic issues to environmental crises, young people are absorbing a lot. And when adults don’t acknowledge that weight, children make meaning on their own.

As Dr. Sonia Toledo puts it: kids are making meaning whether adults create space for it or not.

The Patterns That Escalate Conflict in Families

Julie names several patterns she sees constantly in parent-child dynamics (and in therapy):

Defensiveness

Parents are often doing their best. So when they hear, “This didn’t feel good,” it can land as criticism and their nervous system jumps into protection mode.

But when kids experience defensiveness, they often shut down or push back harder.

Minimizing emotions

Many adults were raised to “push through” and keep moving. That conditioning can lead to dismissing emotional experiences as unproductive.

But children don’t experience emotional attention as “extra.” They experience it as connection.

Withdrawal and shutdown

When kids feel a parent isn’t attuned through tone, facial expressions, or impatience, they retreat. The conversation ends before it starts.

Focusing on behavior, not what’s underneath

Grades dropping. Attitude. Talking back. Withdrawn behavior. Adults often react to what they see, instead of asking:

What’s happening underneath this?

That one shift, from correction to curiosity, can transform everything.

The Tool Families Need Most to Bridge the Generational Gap: “Connect, Then Correct”

Julie shares a simple framework from Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham - a three-step process that many parents skip (especially during stress):

1) Connect with yourself

Before you address your child, check in with your own nervous system.

What story are you telling yourself right now?

• “I’m failing.”

• “I’m rejected.”

• “I’m not respected.”

• “I’m losing control.”

Regulate first, because children “borrow” calm from their secure adult. If the adult is dysregulated, there’s nothing to borrow.

2) Connect with your child’s emotions

Not their behavior, their emotional state.

Kids need to feel seen and heard before they can think clearly.

3) Correct

Only after steps one and two. Because correction without connection often escalates the problem.

Julie’s point is simple: We rush to fix what we haven’t understood.

One of the Most Powerful Tools: The 3 H’s

Julie shares a tool that’s easy enough for any family to use immediately:

Ask your child:

• Do you need to be Helped?

• Do you need to be Heard?

• Do you need to be Hugged?

This works because it replaces assumptions with attunement. It gives kids a language for what they need especially when they don’t fully know how to explain it.

And sometimes, what they need isn’t advice. It’s simply a safe place to land.

The Strongest Families Aren’t Conflict-Free — They Know Rupture and Repair

One of the most important moments of the episode is Julie’s reminder:

Strong families aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who know how to repair.

The real damage doesn’t come from rupture. It comes from the conversations that never happen afterward.

Repair builds resilience.

And repair can start small.

Micro-Rituals That Strengthen Family Connection

Julie offers practical “micro-rituals” that create security over time:

• Phone-free dinners with real check-ins

• A weekly family moment (Sunday cooking, a walk, a shared meal)

• A consistent “family time” ritual that doesn’t get pushed aside

• Simple structures that communicate: “We matter.”

She also emphasizes balance: families need both warmth and structure. Too much structure without warmth creates emotional distance. Too much warmth without structure can feel unstable.

The goal is security.

The Underrated Relationship Skill: Humility

If Julie could pick one ingredient for healthy relationships, she chooses humility.

Humility is what allows a parent to say:

“I’m sorry.”

“I missed that.”

“I didn’t handle that well.”

“I want to try again.”

Many adults didn’t grow up hearing apologies from parents. But apology is powerful because it says: this is about connection, not power.

A Book Recommendation That Brings It All Together

Julie recommends My Grandmother’s Hands by Dr. Resmaa Menakem, a book that explores trauma, healing, and how pain moves through generations.

A quote she shares lands like truth:

Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it.

And that’s exactly what The Power of Family is creating: a place where families can finally feel it, name it, and move forward.

Stay Tuned: This Movement Is Just Getting Started

The Power of Family is more than a podcast. It’s a commitment to:

• elevate youth voices

• reduce generational conflict

• create tools for families

• and rebuild connection through honest conversation

If today’s episode on bridging the generational gap sparked something for you, take one next step:

✅ Subscribe on YouTube

✅ Follow on Spotify and Apple Podcasts

✅ Share this with someone raising kids or trying to reconnect with their family

💬 Comment below: What do you think creates the biggest generational gap in families today?

Connection is contagious. Pass it on.